Bankers Box
I cleaned out my desk today at work. I will still be here until Friday, but I went ahead and boxed up my things so I could make sure I had time to clean my office really well before I left. I have a half day Thursday and they are doing a brunch/party thing for me Friday, so I wanted to make sure I wasn't scrambling to do anything on the last day.
I thought I had a lot to do. I thought it would take me the better part of a full day to go through all my papers and throw things away and box up all my personal items. All said and done, it took me a couple of hours. It seemed like it took me longer to wash out the many coffee cups I brought from home than it did to clean out my entire desk. Granted, I had started to take a few things down before this week, but not that much. I was really struck with how after 4 years at a place, in a matter of hours I could put things in a box, throw things away, and for all appearances it would seem I was never even there to begin with. One small bankers box encompasses is what I will walk away with after putting in the time that it would take to earn a college degree. It could be that I'm weeks away from giving birth and everything in my life changing. It could be that I'm just an emotional person by nature. It could be that I don't handle change super well. Whatever the reason, this is harder for me than I thought it would be. I don't mean to write melodramatic posts about quitting my job. I'm just struck by how quickly I'll be erased from this place that was such a big deal in my life for such a long time. In no time at all, all the work I did will fade from here and I'll be nothing more than a name on a list of people that used to work here.
I think I'm also just very surprised because I had anticipated being overjoyed as my last day approached. Ever since I knew this day was coming, I expected to be elated for it to get here and counting down the days until I could be free. Instead I'm finding myself excited for the next chapter, but also with a sense of sadness of leaving this life and the possibility that it held. The idea of being an HR professional with a company-paid phone, business trips, an office and a title hold some appeal for me.
Please understand that I in no way regret the decision to stay at home with my son. I feel that it is the single greatest privilege and honor that I could experience. My husband has given me an indescribable gift to be able to not earn a traditional pay check and raise our children in the process. I (along with my husband) will get to be the first person to introduce my children to Jesus. I will get to be the biggest example he sees day in and day out of what a lover of God, and ultimately what God, looks like. That is a fear and awe inspiring holy thing.
This post is a paradox of feelings and emotions, but I guess all that really means at the moment is that it's a true representation of how I'm feeling. I don't have an answer or solution to my feelings right now, mostly because I don't believe all feelings need to be resolved. Some things are just meant to be felt and that's all.
As I finish my last Wednesday at work and I sit here and stare at my bankers box that it took me 4 years to accumulate, I'm going to choose gratefulness. There are a lot of other emotions vying for top position, but having felt them all, I've decided that they are going to take second place to being grateful. I'm not going to push them down or pretend they aren't there; I'm just going to give them second place. I'm going to choose to be grateful that what I'm taking from Zachry really can't be confined to a box. I'm going to choose to be grateful that a person's faithfulness impacts eternity even when you can't see that impact in the here and now, and my impact at Zachry can't be measured or quantified by human terms. I choose to be grateful that in the midst of the growing list of unknowns, I have One big known and He's never let me down.
I thought I had a lot to do. I thought it would take me the better part of a full day to go through all my papers and throw things away and box up all my personal items. All said and done, it took me a couple of hours. It seemed like it took me longer to wash out the many coffee cups I brought from home than it did to clean out my entire desk. Granted, I had started to take a few things down before this week, but not that much. I was really struck with how after 4 years at a place, in a matter of hours I could put things in a box, throw things away, and for all appearances it would seem I was never even there to begin with. One small bankers box encompasses is what I will walk away with after putting in the time that it would take to earn a college degree. It could be that I'm weeks away from giving birth and everything in my life changing. It could be that I'm just an emotional person by nature. It could be that I don't handle change super well. Whatever the reason, this is harder for me than I thought it would be. I don't mean to write melodramatic posts about quitting my job. I'm just struck by how quickly I'll be erased from this place that was such a big deal in my life for such a long time. In no time at all, all the work I did will fade from here and I'll be nothing more than a name on a list of people that used to work here.
I think I'm also just very surprised because I had anticipated being overjoyed as my last day approached. Ever since I knew this day was coming, I expected to be elated for it to get here and counting down the days until I could be free. Instead I'm finding myself excited for the next chapter, but also with a sense of sadness of leaving this life and the possibility that it held. The idea of being an HR professional with a company-paid phone, business trips, an office and a title hold some appeal for me.
Please understand that I in no way regret the decision to stay at home with my son. I feel that it is the single greatest privilege and honor that I could experience. My husband has given me an indescribable gift to be able to not earn a traditional pay check and raise our children in the process. I (along with my husband) will get to be the first person to introduce my children to Jesus. I will get to be the biggest example he sees day in and day out of what a lover of God, and ultimately what God, looks like. That is a fear and awe inspiring holy thing.
This post is a paradox of feelings and emotions, but I guess all that really means at the moment is that it's a true representation of how I'm feeling. I don't have an answer or solution to my feelings right now, mostly because I don't believe all feelings need to be resolved. Some things are just meant to be felt and that's all.
As I finish my last Wednesday at work and I sit here and stare at my bankers box that it took me 4 years to accumulate, I'm going to choose gratefulness. There are a lot of other emotions vying for top position, but having felt them all, I've decided that they are going to take second place to being grateful. I'm not going to push them down or pretend they aren't there; I'm just going to give them second place. I'm going to choose to be grateful that what I'm taking from Zachry really can't be confined to a box. I'm going to choose to be grateful that a person's faithfulness impacts eternity even when you can't see that impact in the here and now, and my impact at Zachry can't be measured or quantified by human terms. I choose to be grateful that in the midst of the growing list of unknowns, I have One big known and He's never let me down.
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