Dear Me From Six Weeks Ago
Dear Me From Six Weeks Ago,
You just had a baby. Try to let that sink in for a minute. I know your brain is a fog of exhaustion and tons of drugs, but try to really shake yourself and realize - you have a baby. It's no longer in theory, or this distant dream you've been planning for. You have a baby. You. A person will call you mom. (I know what you're thinking - you became a mom when the test read "pregnant." That is true. However, there's a whole new reality to your mom-hood that you never would have known until this day.) God entrusted you with a life, and that life is now breathing your air, sharing your space. I can tell you one thing for sure - you are absolutely not ready for this. Since I'm so much older and wiser than you now, there are a couple things I want you to know.
This is going to rock your world. You know how you felt like you weren't ready to be a mom, and what if I don't know what I'm doing was your biggest question? I hate to tell you this, but you aren't ready and you don't know what you are doing. People have been telling you for months that you are and things will click and not to worry about it. Those people were either trying to make you feel better or they forgot the early days of parenting. The truth is you are mostly clueless and on top of that you are completely drained. The coming weeks will bring for you a tired that you didn't know was possible. It's not just the lack of sleep. It's exhausting trying to comfort a tiny crying human. I know you realize that a baby cries to basically say change me, feed me, or put me to sleep, but I'm telling you that sometimes it seems like its a shot in the dark as to what could possible be upsetting this kid. The good news is that you learn really fast. The quicker that you quit expecting yourself to know what to do, and expect that you will and are learning what to do - the easier your life will get. Remember right now that Holy Spirit is your teacher and He will show you how to do this. I know you feel like you have nothing left and you are terrified. Lean hard on Holy Spirit, Past Self. That's the only way you will get through.
I know that nothing anyone - even me - says to you right now will prepare you for the coming weeks. What I wish I could tell you though is how quickly things change. I know you are sitting on your couch crying uncontrollably most nights, feeling bad for not enjoying your baby more and also just plain feeling bad. It seems like this feeling might be around to stay because nothing you do or say or think or watch or listen to makes it go away. I wish I could show up and tell you that soon you'll be dancing around your living room again in worship. I wish I could tell you that the emotion you felt when you saw your son's face for the first time was probably drugs from the c-section, and the love you feel when you look at him now is so real and so much it's horrifying. I wish I could tell you that he will start screaming his head off every time you take a shower, but you don't even care. Obviously you care like you don't want him to cry but his crying that makes you rush through the shower and sometimes not put on make up or lotion - it just doesn't annoy or frustrate you at all. I wish I could tell you that now at 6 weeks he's started sleeping through the night, and I know you won't be able to believe me but part of you misses the times when it was just you and him in the middle of the night. It was almost like you got extra time with him. I know what you are thinking - you spend every waking moment with him. How could you want more time? Past Me, all I can say is something happened during all those diaper changes, marathon nursing sessions and screaming baths, and it was quite possible the best thing that ever happened to you. You can't understand this now, but 6 weeks from now you will experience a love that makes you live in a perpetual state of wanting to savor every moment and simultaneously steeped in anticipation for all the future holds. I wish I could tell you that nursing gets fun and eventually it will even make you feel kinda proud that your body can give your son what he needs to live. I wish I could tell you that you will be able to get out of the house, and you are doing a good job at it - granted you are late most of the time but still - you're killing it. I wish I could tell you how watching your husband become a father makes your love for him so deep - not because you expected anything different but because actually seeing him nail working and taking care of his family and a baby just takes everything to a whole new level. I wish I could tell you how much you can learn about the Lord when you take the time to. I wish I could explain to you the feeling you get when your son is crying and someone picks him up and he still cries and then you take him and he calms down. Most of all, I wish I could make you understand how much changes in just 6 short weeks. Everything that seems crazy to you now will be different when you get to where I am now. Standing at this point in your future I can tell you - you are living your dream. This is the greatest adventure of your life, and its only just begun to unfold. I know you are unsure of yourself and it's harder right now than you ever thought possible, but trust me. You are going from glory to glory.
One more thing Past Self - laugh. When he throws up on your freshly changed cloths - laugh. When you lay him down to sleep and he instantly starts crying - laugh. When you can't remember the last time you left the house or heck, even ate last - laugh. When he poops and as you are changing him poops again - laugh. When he farts really loud in his sleep - laugh. When you notice the reddish tint of his hair - laugh. When his hand grabs your finger and won't let go - laugh. Laugh and find joy is as many moments as you can because man, it sure does your heart a world of good. You feel the strength from the Best Parent when you find joy.
Here's to the next 6 weeks.
- Future Self
You just had a baby. Try to let that sink in for a minute. I know your brain is a fog of exhaustion and tons of drugs, but try to really shake yourself and realize - you have a baby. It's no longer in theory, or this distant dream you've been planning for. You have a baby. You. A person will call you mom. (I know what you're thinking - you became a mom when the test read "pregnant." That is true. However, there's a whole new reality to your mom-hood that you never would have known until this day.) God entrusted you with a life, and that life is now breathing your air, sharing your space. I can tell you one thing for sure - you are absolutely not ready for this. Since I'm so much older and wiser than you now, there are a couple things I want you to know.
This is going to rock your world. You know how you felt like you weren't ready to be a mom, and what if I don't know what I'm doing was your biggest question? I hate to tell you this, but you aren't ready and you don't know what you are doing. People have been telling you for months that you are and things will click and not to worry about it. Those people were either trying to make you feel better or they forgot the early days of parenting. The truth is you are mostly clueless and on top of that you are completely drained. The coming weeks will bring for you a tired that you didn't know was possible. It's not just the lack of sleep. It's exhausting trying to comfort a tiny crying human. I know you realize that a baby cries to basically say change me, feed me, or put me to sleep, but I'm telling you that sometimes it seems like its a shot in the dark as to what could possible be upsetting this kid. The good news is that you learn really fast. The quicker that you quit expecting yourself to know what to do, and expect that you will and are learning what to do - the easier your life will get. Remember right now that Holy Spirit is your teacher and He will show you how to do this. I know you feel like you have nothing left and you are terrified. Lean hard on Holy Spirit, Past Self. That's the only way you will get through.
I know that nothing anyone - even me - says to you right now will prepare you for the coming weeks. What I wish I could tell you though is how quickly things change. I know you are sitting on your couch crying uncontrollably most nights, feeling bad for not enjoying your baby more and also just plain feeling bad. It seems like this feeling might be around to stay because nothing you do or say or think or watch or listen to makes it go away. I wish I could show up and tell you that soon you'll be dancing around your living room again in worship. I wish I could tell you that the emotion you felt when you saw your son's face for the first time was probably drugs from the c-section, and the love you feel when you look at him now is so real and so much it's horrifying. I wish I could tell you that he will start screaming his head off every time you take a shower, but you don't even care. Obviously you care like you don't want him to cry but his crying that makes you rush through the shower and sometimes not put on make up or lotion - it just doesn't annoy or frustrate you at all. I wish I could tell you that now at 6 weeks he's started sleeping through the night, and I know you won't be able to believe me but part of you misses the times when it was just you and him in the middle of the night. It was almost like you got extra time with him. I know what you are thinking - you spend every waking moment with him. How could you want more time? Past Me, all I can say is something happened during all those diaper changes, marathon nursing sessions and screaming baths, and it was quite possible the best thing that ever happened to you. You can't understand this now, but 6 weeks from now you will experience a love that makes you live in a perpetual state of wanting to savor every moment and simultaneously steeped in anticipation for all the future holds. I wish I could tell you that nursing gets fun and eventually it will even make you feel kinda proud that your body can give your son what he needs to live. I wish I could tell you that you will be able to get out of the house, and you are doing a good job at it - granted you are late most of the time but still - you're killing it. I wish I could tell you how watching your husband become a father makes your love for him so deep - not because you expected anything different but because actually seeing him nail working and taking care of his family and a baby just takes everything to a whole new level. I wish I could tell you how much you can learn about the Lord when you take the time to. I wish I could explain to you the feeling you get when your son is crying and someone picks him up and he still cries and then you take him and he calms down. Most of all, I wish I could make you understand how much changes in just 6 short weeks. Everything that seems crazy to you now will be different when you get to where I am now. Standing at this point in your future I can tell you - you are living your dream. This is the greatest adventure of your life, and its only just begun to unfold. I know you are unsure of yourself and it's harder right now than you ever thought possible, but trust me. You are going from glory to glory.
One more thing Past Self - laugh. When he throws up on your freshly changed cloths - laugh. When you lay him down to sleep and he instantly starts crying - laugh. When you can't remember the last time you left the house or heck, even ate last - laugh. When he poops and as you are changing him poops again - laugh. When he farts really loud in his sleep - laugh. When you notice the reddish tint of his hair - laugh. When his hand grabs your finger and won't let go - laugh. Laugh and find joy is as many moments as you can because man, it sure does your heart a world of good. You feel the strength from the Best Parent when you find joy.
Here's to the next 6 weeks.
- Future Self
I love this!!
ReplyDeleteIt was funny, cause with Livi, I have really realized how quickly life changes…Like when Livi was born, it was like what did we do?? lol…We just got through all these stages with Aiden, why did we do this again. But Livi, she has just crusaded through all the firsts. With no doubt in her mind that couldn't do it! I remember thinking, oh wow, she is sleeping through the night so quickly. Even though I missed sleep. I missed her in my arms. I still do…lol we would be up all night, watching chrismas movies on the hallmark channel! This past christmas, when I would catch one on Tv…It would be an immediate flashback to the year before, exshauted, wanting to be in bed. Aching for some me time. I missed it!! I love how you are writing through it all! So great!